Confusion! What Am I Doing?

I had serious second thoughts this morning about whether or not i should carry on with my blog or not.

This weekend saw me leaving all three of the boys for the first time with their Daddy while i jumped onto a train and made my way to Britmums Live, the biggest blogging event of the year. I wasn’t sure what to expect as I had never attended one before, so even though i was nervous i was really looking forward to learning how I could take my blog to the next level, what these spiders are that are hiding in my blog and meeting lots of other bloggers. I couldn’t attend the first day on friday so saturday was my first day, I met up with fellow bloggers Lovefrommummy, Mummyadventure and thelifeandtimesoftheworkingmum at the station in the morning and off we travelled together to the event. Nervous wasn’t the word, I was very worried that i wouldn’t be accepted as a blogger as I am not as big as most of the others who was in attendance, I had already been sick that morning with the nerves and i was afraid that I wouldn’t fit in and that no one would talk to me so having Vicky, Laura and Bex by myside made it all feel slightly better. I am not a very confident person and although i might make jokes, I am secretly thinking to myself have i just said the right thing. I try to be funny to make up for the fact that I have a low esteem. Walking into the hub (main area) I felt like the new girl at school, the girl who no-one knew, i felt people looking at me trying to work out who i was. I found myself looking round desperately trying to catch the eye of others who i could talk to and hopefully strike up a new friendship with. On the odd occasion when i did stand within a group conversation, i just stood on the outside listening too scared to step into the conversation incase i just got ignored. When i did feel confident enough to introduce myself as mumofthreeboys I just got the ‘oh, yeah, Hmmmm’ obviously no one had heard of my small blog which made me feel even smaller than what i was! Not their fault at all, It’s all me! too scared to make myself known. Attending Britmums for me was all about the socializing, I wanted to put faces to blogs and voices to tweets unfortunately due to me being who I am and too frightened to approach others, who seemed way above me, I only actually talked to a few people. I wanted to learn more about SEO and gain some more knowledge of the blogging world, I attended the workshop: Beginning blogging, SEO tips and legal essentials which was very insightful, I took lots of notes and hopefully be putting what i learnt to the test over the next few weeks in my blog posts. I also sat in on the workshop about Pinterest as it was something that I am signed up to but would love to learn more about and the lovely Alice from Anessexwife was talking too so that kind of swayed it for me.

I would like to say that so much work and hardship went into planning such a huge event and i heard some inspiring, upsetting and brilliant words from some magnificent bloggers in the bloggers keynote session so why did i this morning wake up and feel not worthy to be at such event amongst some amazing powerful people, I don’t know! It’s something I can’t answer, however hard i look at it or think why am i feeling so low about my blog i come up with zilch, nada nothing! I’m not a writer nor have i ever claimed to be good at english, I don’t have many interesting things to say and i don’t really understand computers so now im feeling that maybe i shouldn’t blog at all. I know i will never have a huge following but we all like to feel liked every now and then, need people or something to make us feel special and that is what i was using my blog for but today i don’t feel special at all! So what am i going to do? First I turned to twitter and in my upset state i did what i would never normally do and showed a feeling, I tweeted out that i wasn’t sure what i was doing with my blog and didn’t expect any response at all but i was amazed at how many people replied with words of advice and pointed me back to my about me page where i stated that i started my blog for my children and as a diary of their lives, something for us all to look at and remember our days together. I somehow at some point lost why I started blogging in the first place, I felt like I strayed away from my comfort zone with my boys and got lost in a forest where I left the path to take a shortcut. I have spent all day with my boys and i spoke to them about the blog and they want me to carry on but I’m not going to change nor am i going to try to get more followers and try to drive more traffic to my blog because why would i want to do that when after all, mumofthreeboys is for me and me family!

Thank you to everyone who send me some words of wisdom today on twitter and thank you to my mummy for listening to me and guiding me out of the dark to see the light.

The reason why I blog